


Colours

by lentamente



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Arranged Marriage, Broken Heart, Colors, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Football | Soccer, Human AU, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Memories, Mentions of Suicide, Minor Germany/North Italy (Hetalia), Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-28
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2018-11-20 03:05:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11327385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lentamente/pseuds/lentamente
Summary: "If life get's too hard to stand, kneel instead. Be patient, you have to get through the rough patches of life before you can see the beauty in it. But it always gets better"





	1. Blue

Birds chirping, bright skies, a sunny and beautiful day. The Average person would probably love to wake up to this. But not this time. Normally Antonio would find himself awoken by the birds and he would rush out to the fields to greet them. Antonio loved the birds. He loved the sun. But last night had hit him hard. Last night his brother had jumped off the bridge. Last night he lost the last real family Antonio had. This morning, not even the sun nor the birds nor anything alike could bring his brother back. 

Gilbert had been calling since it happened. 1, 2, 7, 20, 35 missed calls. Antonio didn’t even look at the phone. All he did was stare up at the roof. He didn’t move a muscle. Not until his bedroom door slammed open and Gilbert burst in, worried and panicked. Though even then it was only a slow turn of his head as he looked at his best friend. 

“Oh gott Antonio. You need to fucking answer your phone” he said in a heavy huff as he reached out to grab his phone. “Look at this it wasn’t just me. Francis tried to call. You’ve got over 50 missed calls Antonio, how could you just collapse on your bed and think that not talking to your friends would make you feel any better?”

“I don’t want to feel better” It was the first time he had spoken since the hospital called. He finally did move. He sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. “I don’t want to feel better, I don’t want to forget, I didn’t do anything. I knew that he wasn’t okay. I knew and I never did anything. I never did anything because I thought, oh that’s my big brother, nothing gets to him. He’s a rock. He’s strong. I spent all night praying for forgiveness, for it to be me instead. But no. At 2:43 am my brother, the only family I have, died and I didn’t do anything. It doesn’t matter if I get better, Gilbert. He’s not fucking coming back” He reached up to his neck to grab the Rosary that hung there. He ripped it off and tossed it at the albino. He stood up, looked at Gilbert for a moment before pushing past him. He made his way out to the fields, sitting in the flowers. 

He looked up at the sun, the one that used to bring a smile to his face every day. It seemed dimmer now. It seemed as if there was a filter of it. But it wasn’t just the sun. It was the whole world. Everything seemed grey. Correction, there was grey and there was blue. There was nothing of his favourite colour. No brightness in the world. There was grey and there was blue. He laid his head back. “I’m so sorry hermano. I love you so so much. I never told you enough. I never got to tell you thank you for everything you did for me. I never got to thank you for stopping him”

Antonio stood up again, this time heading to his car. He climbed in quickly, making sure he had his ID with him. He drove down to the gas station, climbing out and heading into the small shop. He bought a pack of cigarettes and a pack of beer. He hated beer. But it was all he could think of. He showed the cashier his ID. Everything felt so slow. He’d only been out for a few minutes, but it felt like hours. It felt as if the sun should have set already. He felt like it never should have arisen this morning. He never should have arisen this morning.

He thanked the cashier and got back in his car, driving beyond his house, beyond the fields, beyond the gates. He drove to their tree and he parked. He grabbed the beers, the cigarettes and his emergency lighter. Antonio climbed that tree like he did when he was a kid. He sat on their branch and he lit a cigarette. He took a long drag before opening the beer and taking a gulp of it. He immediately made a disgusted face but he didn’t spit it out. He swallowed and instead took another drink. When he leaned back on their tree, his leg dangled to one side and the wind started to pick up. It blew his hair to the side, blew on his face as if it was trying to dry the tears streaking his cheeks. 

He finished half the pack of cigarettes and the full pack of beers before realising he should get home. He looked down at the ground, wondering if it would hurt if he just let himself fall. He knew it hurt when he was a kid, when he did it on accident. Though his father would swear it was god’s punishment to him. He tossed the cigarettes and pack of empty bottles to the ground before shifting so both feet were hanging off the branch and he looked back. He looked down. He could fall now. It would hurt like hell. He might even end up in the hospital. He leaned his head back for a moment. The wind only continued to pick up but he ignored it as he let go of the branch and fell backwards. He didn’t even feel it. He didn’t feel the pain as he collided with the ground. All he felt was the wind.

He laid there, knowing what he had done was stupid, knowing he would regret it when he woke later, knowing he would rather have just died. But for now he just slid his eyes shut, waiting for whatever was to come.

When his eyes opened next, Antonio could only see white. Even as he turned his head he saw white hair and he realised he was in the hospital and Gilbert sat to one side of him. He turned his head to the other side and once again only saw blue. Francis.

He looked back up at the ceiling. He didn’t feel it, even now. He felt nothing but numb.

“Toni?” Francis’ voice rang in his ears. “Antonio are you awake? Are you okay?” He asked. He looked over his best friend and relief shown through his expression. “We thought you’d died” he whispered. 

“You got lucky I knew about that damn tree Antonio” Gilbert spoke up next. “You’re lucky I knew that’s where you would go”

Lucky. Lucky didn’t seem like the right word to be using. No he didn’t feel lucky at all. 

A third voice, one he hadn’t heard before perked up. It was higher pitched but still seemed to be coming from a boy. “You’re lucky you didn’t break anything. Quite a bit of bruising. But you seem to be alright otherwise...physically” the new voice sighed and Antonio turned to look at him. He had short brown hair and an odd hair piece sticking out to the side.

“Thank you Dr. Vargas” Francis’ voice again. Antonio looked at him again. 

The new person nodded. “I have a few prescriptions for you. Though only one of them is actually medication. Just some pain meds. The other is a therapist. I don’t know much about you, but I know your brother was in here less than 48 hours ago. If this moment had anything to do with him, then I think therapy is going to be your best option. My brother is a therapist. So I’ll be recommending him. I can’t force you to go, of course, but I do hope you take up my offer” This new person sighed again and held the papers out for Francis.

Antonio watched Francis take the paper. He looked back up in thought. He didn’t want therapy. He didn’t want to be in the same hospital. He wanted to go back to the tree. He wanted to lay where he fell. He wanted to lay there until he couldn’t breath. He wanted his breath to be taken with the wind that blew.

It was hours before they left the hospital and the whole way out Gilbert and Francis talked about how they thought therapy would be good for Antonio. Especially after his childhood. Antonio didn’t talk. He didn’t want to go to therapy and no one could force him to. He’d go to a different store and get stronger alcohol. Maybe walk in the fields some more. Maybe even go to the park. But in those hours he’d decided not to go back to the tree. As much as he loved their tree, he couldn’t bare to see it. It hurt too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blue is the color of the sky and sea. It is often associated with depth and stability. It symbolizes trust, loyalty, wisdom, confidence, intelligence, faith, truth, and heaven. Blue is considered beneficial to the mind and body. ~Color-Wheel-Pro
> 
> Antonio sees the colour blue because he has lost it in his life. His brother was what brought him his confidence, his faith, his trust. He's lost his brother. He's lost his blue.


	2. Red

_He found the colours in her, found the dreams he had once lost. But she didn’t see the same thing in him. Not yet._

* * *

Antonio sighed heavily as he tried to decide if the park or the field was a better option for the day. He’d tried to stay out of the house, since Francis and GIlbert were staying with him at the moment. They refused to leave him alone unless they knew exactly where he was going. They made him swear to answer his phone. If Antonio was being honest he didn’t think he was going to do anything like he had that night. It was the morning after he lost his brother of course he was going to do something ridiculous. He didn’t feel any better. In fac the fall only made everything worse. Everyone was worried about him now. They just wouldn’t leave him alone and god did his body hurt. 

He took another long drag of the cigarette, running his fingers through his hair as he walked down the sidewalk. Moments ago he had hung up from the hourly call. He was honestly annoyed. They kept bringing up how he should listen to the doctor and go to therapy. But he didn’t want that. The last thing Antonio wanted was someone telling him what was wrong with him as if they knew him better than he did after one or two hour long sessions. If anyone was going to be a therapist to Antonio, it was his brother and there was a clear problem in that. 

Antonio sat down under the tree in the park. It wasn’t as large or fun as their tree but this one didn’t remind him of what he’d lost either. He leaned his head on the back of the tree, wincing at the pain it shot through his back. No broken bones sure but a permanent pain in his back was still shitty. He’d never complain though because it was of course his own fault. He let himself fall.

Tears streamed down his cheeks again and he reached up to touch them, wiping them away. He hadn’t really been thinking about anything that would cause him to cry like that. But sometimes when you are as numb as he is, you just cry. His eyes slid shut and his head leaned back. Though only moments later they opened wide and he was fully alert as a football flew past his head. He gasped and stood up quickly, holding his chest. 

He turned in the direction the ball came from and watched as a boy ran towards him. “Shit are you okay? It didn’t hit you did it?” the boy asked. “My brother is a doctor, he’s got no idea what he is doing” he laughed softly. “My littlest brother would have hit you so be glad it wasn’t him” He shrugged. 

Antonio looked at this boy. He looked a lot like the doctor he’d spoken to yesterday. When he looked behind this new boy it was that doctor he saw. The man who’d mentioned his brother being a therapist. “I’m not alright but that ball wasn’t why” He muttered. “I uh...fell out of a tree yesterday. Your brother over there was my doctor actually”

“Ah was he? I’m sorry then” This boy was Italian too, Antonio could sense it in his accent. “He’s a good doctor but he is kind of a brat” he shrugged. “My name is Lovino, by the way. Vargas, as I am sure you know since I’m the great doctor Vargas’ older brother” He rolled his eyes. “You got a name or just a story?” he asked. 

Antonio bit his lip. “Ah yeah. Antonio” He muttered. Lovino wasn’t the name on that card. It must be the youngest brother then, the one that Feliciano wanted him to see. He still didn’t want that. Of course he would run into his doctor and his older brother at the park. “He told me one of his brother’s was a therapist” he muttered.

Lovino nodded and chuckled. “Yeah that’s Sebastian” he shrugged. “Our youngest brother. Feli just loves to push people towards him. They got nice jobs and I became a football player. Anyway. I better get back to practice. Watch out for falling footballs” Antonio watched him go and he rolled his eyes. 

Antonio watched him go for longer than he thought he would. He watched Lovino until he couldn’t see him anymore. Something about Lovino had him hooked. Something about Lovino made him want to sink to the ground. 

The sound of Antonio’s phone buzzing in his pocket distracted him and he quickly opened it, answering it. He spoke to Gilbert for a while, telling him he was starting to walk home now and no matter how many times Gilbert asked about it, No Antonio didn’t want to be picked up. He quite enjoyed the alone time. Usually at least. 

His mind wandered as he walked home. For some reason it kept wandering back to the boy at the park. HIs name rung in his mind. Lovino. Lovino. _Lovino Vargas_. It rung so well. He hadn’t seen much of the boy but he remembered olive skin, green eyes, brown hair. He remembered colour, despite his worlds lack of it.

Antonio stepped into his house and was greeted with the smell of potatoes and salt. Gilbert was making dinner. He ignored his friends sitting at the dinner table and went upstairs. He pulled his guitar case out of the closet and unzipped it. It needed tuning, since it had been a while. But it didn’t take long before he could strum it properly again.He started to strum something slow. It was a portuguese song, one his brother taught him to play when he was younger. Antonio could clearly remember the day. But now even the memories appear to have lost their colours. As he thinks about it, wondering why this memory is what brought itself to him, he notices specks of red. The guitar, the highlights in his brother's hair. Despite being a part of the memory he feels as if he is watching a movie. Watching what happened go by without him. But he can’t get his mind off of the red he can see. He’d never noticed red this deeply before. 

“Toni! Come down and play that for us to hear!” Francis’ voice broke his thoughts.Was he actually playing? He didn’t remember playing. All he remembered were his thoughts. Then once again the boy from the park came into his mind. He lifted up the guitar and put it away, heading down the stairs and shaking his head. 

“Sorry Francis. I didn’t even realise I was playing” he whispered. “Is Gil almost done? I want to talk to you both” he added, still in a low whisper.

Francis looked concerned but he nodded. “I’m sure we can talk about whatever it is over dinner, mon ami” He grabbed Antonio’s shoulder and led him to the dinner table sitting next to him. Gilbert cam in a few moments later with a small smile. 

 

“How was your day at the park Tonio?” Gilbert asked. He sat down with the food in hand, setting it on the table. He smiled at Antonio encouragingly. The Spaniard hadn’t eaten much since it happened. But Gilbert and Francis had slowly managed to get him to eat. 

Antonio shrugged. “I met a boy and almost got hit in the head with a soccer ball. Dropped my cigarette” Fortunately by that time it had long burned out. He hadn’t even noticed at the time, too caught up in the Italian that had nearly hit him. There he was again, back in Antonio’s thoughts. He ran his fingers down his face. “Do we have any local football teams?” It was sudden and not what he had intended to talk about. 

“Um. Yeah one I think. I mean there are plenty in Spain, but I think we have a small time local one here” Francis answered. “Was that what you wanted to talk about Antonio?” He asked. 

Gilbert tilted his head. “Did you want to talk about something?”

Antonio thought through it all for a moment. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what to think. This wasn’t even what he meant to bring up but now he had to go through with it some how. He used to play football. Maybe that would be a good excuse. “I need a distraction”

“You want to wa-”

“I want to play again” Antonio hadn’t even considered it until now. But now he was dead serious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Red is the color of fire and blood, so it is associated with energy, war, danger, strength, power, determination as well as passion, desire, and love. Red is a very emotionally intense color. ~color-wheel-pro
> 
> Antonio sees red when he meets Lovino because Lovino burns with passion, determination, and strength even if Antonio doesn't know that yet.


	3. Pink

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a bit short. If you aren't following my tumblr I am currently writing on my phone because my computer crashed. i should be getting it back any time now. Hopefully at least.

Antonio grumbled heavily. Why did it have to be Feliciano? Why did they have to pick him as a permanent doctor for him? Why didn’t Antonio have a say in his own damn life? Thoughts ran rapidly through his mind as he sat in the waiting room. Doctors like Feliciano worked in two places. Hospitals and Private offices. Why on earth did this particular doctor have to work in both? 

“Antonio?” His head shot up, disrupted from his thoughts. “Antonio, your friends told me that you want to play football? I honestly would advise against it. But I can make you a deal” Feliciano’s voice sounded dull, like everyone else's. 

“A deal?” Antonio was slightly interested. After all, Feliciano’s brother, that boy...Lovino...what was he thinking about?...right Lovino played football. There was a reason Feliciano might have a deal to make. 

“If you go to see my younger brother. Just one time, free of charge, I will get you a chance with my older brother’s team. Deal?” That was awfully intriguing. Plus if he got on that team he could see the boy again. But he really didn't want to go to therapy. 

“One time. If I don't like it I stop and I can stay on the team?” Antonio watched Feliciano nod and he let out a heavy sigh. “Okay. One session” Antonio agreed. “One session with Sebastian.” He was speaking to himself now. But an eternity with Lovino. Wait. Was that why? Was that why his sudden interest in the sport picked up again? What about Lovino made him want that?

Perhaps the ability to see the colours he missed. Perhaps the fact that he could see the entirety of Lovino in colour. He shook his head. No he couldn’t possibly feel anything towards this boy he had met all of once. The one time they met he was nearly hit with a football. Why would someone like that spark his interest so much?

“Alright, Antonio, I have made an appointment for you. You’ll meet with him today” Feliciano’s voice broke his concentration again. 

“Alright. I’ll meet with him today” he offered his hand out for the paper with the schedule written down. When Feliciano placed it in his hand, he looked it over. “Alright. I’ll go. You’ll write me a note so that I can play again right?” 

“Mhmm. I’ll talk to Lovino and get you a try out, okay? You’re free to go. Don’t forget your guitar” Antonio returned the question with a nod before standing up and heading out of the office again, putting his guitar over his back.. He stretched out and put the paper in his pocket before starting to walk towards the park again. He didn’t want to go all the way home if he was going to be back out here again in a few hours. He’d just spend some time at the park, thinking things through. 

Antonio sat down on a bench in the shade this time, looking down at his hands. He pulled out his phone after a moment of waiting and called for Gilbert. He was supposed to call him when he got out but he wanted to be in the park before he did.

“Toni? How did the appointment go? Do you get to play?” Gilbert asked. He wanted Antonio to have a distraction, but a distraction where he could so easily get hurt was also a bit worrisome. He didn’t want Antonio to get hurt again and not be able to recover from it. 

Antonio shrugged a bit before thinking it through. Gilbert couldn’t see him shrug. “I get to play. Feliciano is going to get me a tryout with his brother’s team. The condition was I had to go to one session with the therapist. I agreed. So I’ll go once. I’ll talk to him once. It’s today in a few hours. So I am just going to wait at the park. I brought my guitar, since I wanted to go to the park anyway. I’ll just play that for a while” He shrugged. 

After a bit more discussion, he hung up and pulled out his guitar. He put the strap around his neck and hummed along as he started to play it. He leaned his head back slightly, focusing on his playing and closing his eyes. Memories flooded in again. Playing this guitar only seemed to pull him out of his own body so he could sit by and watch his life go by without him.

Once again a voice snapped him out of his memories and he looked up, tilting his head to the side. “Sorry, what?” he asked, not having properly heard. It occurred to him as he asked that the boy asking him the question was Lovino. 

“Where did you learn to play like that?” Lovino repeated and he sat down next to Antonio. “It was beautiful” 

Antonio shifted so that he wasn’t too close to Lovino. “Ah, I learned from my brother. He loved guitar, used to play it with me nearly every day” Antonio whispered, looking down at his lap and sighing a bit.

“Ah. I see. Hey my brother called me earlier and asked if we had any open spots on the team. Said that one of his patients had an interest in playing with us. That wouldn’t happen to be you, would it?” Lovino asked, shifting a bit again. He sighed a bit, Antonio noticed. 

“Oh. Yeah. It would happen to be me” Antonio shrugged. “I want to play again. I was thinking of a distraction and I used to play. So I thought it might be nice. I mean that’s one reason anyway” Antonio shifted a bit. 

“Oh? Is there more than just that?” Lovino asked. It was strange. Lovino didn’t seem like the kind of person to keep up a conversation like this one. But Antonio honestly enjoyed the new company. Lovino wasn’t pestering him about taking better care of himself and trying to move on. 

“I...uh...Well it’s kind of creepy” he shifted a bit. “I can’t stop thinking about you actually” Antonio looked at Lovino and ran his fingers through his hair. “Oh God. That sounds even worse out loud doesn’t it?” he looked at his watch. “I am so sorry. I should probably go get ready for that appointment” he started to pack up his guitar case, noticing that Lovino was already blushing.

Lovino grumbled a bit. “Well...if you can play you have a spot on the team, I can guarantee that” was all Lovino said before he stood up and rushed away, leaving Antonio on the bench, embarrassed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pink, a delicate color that means sweet, nice, playful, cute, romantic, charming, feminine, and tenderness
> 
> all things Antonio failed to be in this chapter. Or at least the romantic and charming parts.


	4. Green

Antonio felt like such an idiot. Why on earth did he go and say that to Lovino? It was all he could think about. It was all he had thought about during his therapy appointment, it was all he thought about on his way home. He could only think of how ridiculous he probably seemed.

That was a week ago and he still couldn’t stop thinking about it. Especially not now that he would be seeing Lovino. His try out was tonight. Antonio looked over himself in the mirror. To everyone who could see the world the way it was meant to be, Antonio must have looked nice in his old warm up clothes. His hair was pinned to the sides to keep it out of his eyes but it wasn’t too obvious. His bright red shirt fit him well, but it wasn’t too tight that it constricted nor was it too loose that it got in the way. His blue shorts fit in the same way. The only thing that could be considered new were his shoes. They looked the part anyway. Antonio had them cleaned up since the rest of his outfit didn’t match the muddy texture. That is what everyone else saw. 

Antonio didn’t see anything in the mirror anymore. All he could ever see when he looked at himself was his brother and he hated that more than anything. He hated that he had to look so much like his brother that it was all he saw when he looked at himself. He wanted to see himself, Antonio, the boy who never frowned, the boy who could romance everyone with the flick of a wrist. Not this mess. 

For some reason, anxiety was filling Antonio today. He knew he was good, well, good enough to play with them. But for some reason Antonio didn’t feel like he could do it and he made that very clear to Francis and Gilbert as they got in the car. 

“Don’t worry about it, Antonio. You can play really well, I don’t see any reason for Lovino not to put you on the team. You’ll do great.” Gilbert would tell him while Francis went on about how it was just anxiety because he hadn’t played in a while. But Antonio could pinpoint the cause of his anxiety and it was that, that confused him. 

_Lovino._

Antonio was scared to see Lovino again. 

This was the strangest thing to wipe across him. He couldn’t even deny it now. He felt something for Lovino. It couldn’t possibly be love. He couldn’t love someone he had only met twice. Only bullshit stories written by shakespeare can achieve that. He sighed softly and looked out the window. It didn’t matter how much he tried to tell himself it wasn’t love, there was _something_ and he needed to figure out what it was so he could act on it. He wasn’t sure if he was ready for anything like that. 

As the car came to a stop Antonio’s anxiety heightened but he climbed out anyway. He moved towards the field and saw Lovino and he realised he must have been wrong. Lovino couldn’t be causing his anxiety because the moment he saw it, every inch of his anxiety faded away. 

Antonio moved towards the Italian. “I wore what I had. It’s not the uniform for the team, I know, but this is the team I used to be on” he shrugged. “Now if we ever play against them, I want to crush them into the dust” he chuckled. “Ya know. In a friendly way” Why was he being so open like this? Did he actually chuckle? God this was ridiculous. 

Lovino looked at Antonio and shrugged. “It’s no matter what you are wearing. Let’s see what you can do. 1 vs. 1 for now. Then we’ll add in team work. You and me” He nodded towards the goals. “Ready?”

“Wait now? Oh okay. Yeah let’s go.” Antonio rushed towards the field and braced himself. The game began and it was obvious how rusty Antonio was, at least to him. Lovino seemed to be impressed every now and then. It was when they added in a team that it became obvious Lovino wanted him on the team. He worked well with others and he could really play. Lovino could see it. 

“I’ll need your sizes and full name. You’re on the team, Antonio” Lovino said as they walked back towards the sidelines. “Not only are you on the team, but you’re skipping bench. You’re good and that’s something to be proud of. I don’t let just anyone on, let alone skip bench” He shrugged and handed Antonio the paperwork.

Antonio gave a small smile. “Really? Thank you. That’s amazing!” he took the clipboard and started to fill out the paperwork. “I’m really glad you think I play well. I honestly thought I was rusty”

Lovino shrugged. “You were. But not bad enough that it was obvious. I can’t wait to see how you play when you aren’t rusty” Lovino shrugged. “Oh and since I had to run, I just wanted you to know that about what happened on the bench. I’ve been thinking about you too. I’m glad to see someone who has been struggling find something that can help them out. A game like this, it’ll really help you despite what my brother’s say.” 

Antonio looked at Lovino and blinked in confusion. “Oh...really? You’ve been thinking about me? Do your brother’s talk about me like that? As if I am making a mistake and won’t get better with this? I think it’ll help. I really do. Plus I won’t have time to go climbing trees if I’m practicing all the time” He shrugged and handed the paperwork over. 

“Was that a joke?” Lovino asked, raising an eyebrow. “It wasn’t a very good one. But you’re already getting better, see” He chuckled and took the clipboard. “Thank you Antonio. I’ll see you for practice on Monday. We practice Monday Wednesday and Friday. So clear your schedule for those days. And I would recommend that if you keep it up with Sebastian you don’t do so on practice days. Therapy can be draining and it’s not going to help your performance.” 

Antonio chuckled. “Yeah. I don’t know if I want to go back or not. Maybe once just to see if it helps. But...I don’t know. I just don’t like being told how to get better by people who know nothing about me, ya know?” He shrugged. “I think I’m better off on my own, taking care of myself. Sorry. I really shouldn’t unload all of this on you” Antonio chuckled a bit and shrugged. “I guess I’ll head home now”

Lovino hummed. “Eh. I don’t usually condone my athletes to do anything major but you and I should go for a drink or something. If you want to just go to dinner that might be healthier but, you sound like you just need to let some stuff out with someone who isn’t trained to shove solutions down your throat”

Antonio looked at Lovino and raised an eyebrow for a moment. “Is this like a “i’m asking you out” kind of thing or a “I genuinely want to help” kind of thing?” He asked, tilting his head a bit. He honestly would like to try a date with Lovino. But Lovino didn’t seem like the type to ask.

Lovino chuckled. “Hey, man. It’s whatever you want it to be”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Green has great healing power. It is the most restful color for human eyes; it can improve vision.
> 
> Antonio is starting to find his own ways to get better, be it through Lovino or actually forcing himself through therapy. He is healing slowly.


	5. Lilac

Months passed of Antonio keeping up with therapy and staying in the games. He proved to still be a rather good player, able to keep the other team from getting the ball and score, but also making sure to stay with the team. Francis had noticed one of Antonio’s first genuine smiles in a long time. He noticed it when the Spaniard was talking to Lovino.

Lovino made Antonio’s heart change. Antonio saw colours again, because of Lovino. They came back slowly, one after another. The reds, the pinks, the greens, even the purples. Most importantly the purples. Antonio’s whole being was purple. Something about the colour just seemed so interesting to him. He knew that before now he could see it, before Lovino, before his brother. But ever since he could see it again, it was so beautiful. It was particularly beautiful against Lovino’s skin. His tanned skin made the colour so amazing.

Antonio bought things for Lovino in purple all the time. He bought him purple flowers, purple shirts, purple trinkets. It was really starting confuse Lovino, if the Italian were to be honest. He didn’t want to admit to Antonio, though, that the relationship did not feel the same for him. He could tell how much Antonio loved him, he could tell how much he wanted to spend time with him and be with him. But Lovino did not feel that way. Lovino  _ couldn't  _ feel that way.

Lovino sighed and sat on the couch with his younger brother, Feliciano, running his fingers through his hair. He laid his head back and looked up at the roof. “I have to tell him, Feli” he whispered. “Or else I am going to be in ridiculous amounts of trouble with both him and nonno” He sighed. “I’ve got to tell him before he starts to work up the courage to ask me out. He’s such a good player and I really don’t want to ruin the one thing that has been making him happy again. But I can’t keep this up. It’s cruel”

Feliciano sighed and looked at Lovino. “I know. We should tell him. I mean, you should. It’s important that he knows he can’t be with you” he sighed. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have tried to bring this upon you guys. Sebastian and I just thought that if we could get him to be happy through you he would leave it at that. We never thought he was going to fall in love”

Lovino shrugged. “It’s not your fault. I promise you. I’ll talk to him tonight. He wants to take me to ‘talk about football’ But I have a feeling it’s for something else. I am going to tell him tonight that I can’t be with him.”

Feliciano nodded. “Good. That’s what you have to do” he smiled slightly. “I just hope he wants to stay friends with all of us. He really is a cute and genuinely sweet person” He stood from the couch and sighed a bit. “Well you better go get ready. He’s probably going to be here early like he always is when he makes plans”

Lovino grumbled. “I guess I will go get ready then.” he stood up. He went up to his room and sighed softly. He wasn’t really sure what he was going to wear or how he was going to tell Antonio the truth. He actually wasn’t allowed to tell him why he couldn’t. So he hoped Antonio just understood that he couldn’t.

Antonio sighed and ran his fingers through his hair before knocking carefully on Lovino’s door. He held the flowers close to his chest and sighed. He had a terrible feeling in his chest and he couldn’t really put his fingers on what it was. He knew this was just something temporary. He knew Lovino wouldn’t want to stay with him. But, still. He worried that it would end so much faster than it started. To be fair it still hasn’t even started. But he didn’t want to put it off too much that he missed his opportunity. 

Lovino opened the door slowly and sighed. “Hey” He tilted his head when he saw Antonio had flowers and sighed. “I actually really need to talk to you. I don’t want to hurt you.” He accepted the flowers that were offered to him and brought them inside, inviting Antonio to do the same. 

Antonio blinked and he could suddenly understand the feeling in his stomach. It was in fact happening before it started. He took in a deep breath as he prepared himself for the worst. He put on a smile and nodded. “What’s up?” he asked. “I am sure nothing you could say could hurt me”

That hurt Lovino’s heart more than he wanted to admit but he knew better than to do this all to Antonio. He sighed and grabbed Antonio’s hands, leading him out to the bench in his backyard. “Listen Antonio” he whispered. “I like you a lot. I do. But I don’t want to hurt you. My grandfather is really picky. He’s already got my whole life planned out. I...I can’t make any decisions when it comes to my own love life because I am set to marry someone else”

Antonio’s eyes widened. He knew the comment he had made about hurting him was a lie, he shouldn’t have said. But that was so much worse than he thought. It would be one thing if Lovino didn’t like him. Or wanted nothing to do with him. He could get over that and it would be fine. But the worst thing that he could have been told was that Lovino did want him, did like him a lot, and  _ couldn’t  _ be with him because he was with someone else. He didn’t have a choice.

Despite all of the news Antonio put on a smile anyway and nodded. “It’s okay. I understand. I would hate to get in the way of your grandfather’s plans.” He could feel his smile tremble weakly as he tried to force it up. “I hope was can still be friends?” he offered. 

Lovino nodded. “I’m very sorry. We can still be friends and this changes nothing with the games. You are still one of the best players on the team and I would hate to lose you.”

Antonio nodded and shifted a bit. “I would never leave the team because of something as small as this” he chuckled a bit and stood. “I um. I actually was going to apologise because I have to meet with my friends to deal with some health stuff. I can’t stay long. I should go now actually” It was probably obvious that he just wanted to go. He didn’t have to do anything. His friends even agreed to leave him alone for the period of time in which he would be with Lovino. 

Lovino nodded though and said his goodbyes. He didn’t want to keep Antonio from his needs. Antonio understood that, as it was one of the biggest reasons that he didn’t like Francis and Gilbert worrying about him so much. They had both practically given up their lives to make sure he was okay. 

Antonio left quickly, driving back. He knew he had promised not to go. He knew he was supposed to stay away from the tree. He knew he had even told himself he wouldn’t go back. But he couldn’t help himself. The pain was a drug and despite the fact that he hated it, he was addicted to it. When he got there he sat down at the trunk and felt the tears build up in his eyes.

“You always did fall in love too easily” He could hear his brother saying it. It’s exactly what he would say if he were here at the moment. “You always fell in love too easily. No one is supposed to fall in love that fast.” It hurt more that Antonio could hear it in his voice. His tone. He could see his expression as he closed his eyes. He pressed his head into the tree and let out a sob.

“Hermano” he whispered. “I don’t know if you are watching me. I don’t know if you can see me. But I just...I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault. I should have done something. I let you leave me because I thought you would be okay. And now I have to let Lovino go because he is already meant to be with someone else.” He brought his knees in close to his chest and held them there. “And even if there was something I could do about it, I wouldn’t because I am a coward.”

“I wanted to fall. When I let go of the tree I wanted to fall and I didn’t want to get back up. I thought you were going to greet me and I’d be able to see you and mama again. I really hope you’re with her. I hope you guys are happy wherever you are.” He reached up to wipe the tears away. “I hope your pain went away.” He pressed his head into his knees. “I miss you so much”

1 call came in, then 2, it got up to 30 again before he finally answered. He sucked in his tears and took in a deep breath before pressing the small green button. “Hey Gil” he whispered.

“Where are you? I just got a call from Lovino. He said you drove off ridiculously fast and he wanted to make sure you got home safe. You’re not at home so where are you? What happened? Why did you leave?”

Antonio sat on the other end of the phone and sighed. He should have driven carefully. “I’m fine. I just need some time alone okay? I promise I’ll come home in one piece. Just don’t worry about it okay?”

Gilbert sighed. “Antonio...Alright. Please be careful” He whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woooah look I am not dead. 
> 
> Lilac is a shade of purple and purple is bred from Red, Lovino, and Blue, Antonio, so the chapter is titled this because they start to mix but they can not make a vibrant colour on their own yet.


End file.
